'Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.' -Dylan Thomas
Remember that quote, I'll get back to it later.
Right now I'm just so angry, I'm pretty sure I'm not going to be able to articulate my feelings properly but I also just don't care if you get it or not. Also not going to re-read this post to make the wording more sensible, so deal with that too. Yesterday my mother in law passed away. She had cancer for many years and fought against it the whole time, but in the end it was a battle that couldn't be won and I'm pissed. Anger motivates me to keep moving, to take care of my children and get stuff done. Sadness is debilitating, it makes me sit on the couch all day and accomplish nothing. With no other viable option, anger is what I use to complete daily tasks that create a sense of normalcy for my children in a situation that is the polar opposite of normal. Either I do these tasks or I melt in in puddle on the floor and never get back up. Here's the rambling rant of why I'm so angry. No one will let me skip Christmas this year. Granted, I'm always searching for an excuse to cancel this holiday (I think I have a hangnail, Christmas is canceled.) but I think this time around, I actually have a valid reason. Since I can't skip it, that means I still have to do all the holiday prep, like buying presents and planning events and sending out cards which all seems so trivial and meaningless in a regular year, but now seems like the most ridiculous idea ever. How can I be expected to be jolly? And if I am, what does that say about my feelings about her death? Why must the world continue to keep moving on when all I really want is for everything to just stop and let me breath? The boys require food, and clean clothes and monitoring so they don't kill each other. I'm so mad about all the things she's going to miss over the years. Watching her grandkids grow up, graduate from high school and college, and have families of their own. She was always willing to attend any and all events happening in their lives. I'm mad that my kids won't have her around to cheer them on, and share funny silly stories with them and snuggle them even when they pretend they don't want it. And missing all the stupid things like the smell of coffee in the morning and the sound of rain on the roof. Snuggling in a warm bed on a cold morning. Clearly there is an infinite list of things that she will no longer experience. On the flip side, she no longer has to fight. She no longer is experiencing any pain. Her fight is over.
Now back to the quote from the beginning. Dylan Thomas reminds us to fight for the life that we want, to hold on with all that we've got, to rage against dying. She for sure did this, She was not just going to let go without a fight. There were many times when I saw her struggle with her illness and I thought that if I was her I would have given up already, but she never did. Now I have my own rage against the dying of her light. Perhaps someday I will move past the anger, but for now it's what keeps me strong.