Tuesday, December 15, 2015

I'm Ready to be Done Now

  All those who are keeping up with my blog, should keep in mind that I'm trying to write in a slightly less filtered fashion. These are my thoughts and feelings, but I'm hoping that perhaps some of you can relate to them as well. If not, try to remember that we are all individuals and that my unique emotions, views and opinions aren't wrong just because you don't share them. Remember, no one is forcing you to read this.

  It's been an emotionally draining time. I'm not one to cry in front of anyone. For some reason I feel like crying is a form of manipulation and I never wanted to get something because someone felt sorry for me. I never, ever want anyone's pity. Just because I'm upset about something and I'm not getting what I want, doesn't mean I don't have a back up plan. I don't need you to give into me suddenly because now you feel bad for me. That is like the worst feeling for me. To know that you are now doing something you had no intention of doing, mostly to make your self feel better and to alleviate some of the discomfort you feel at having to interact with a crying person. If you are witnessing me crying, its because I just can't hold the emotions in any longer and they just sort of spill out. That's not to say I don't cry unless I'm at my emotional limit, I just save those crying times for when I'm alone. Perhaps my lack of crying makes me seem cold and unfeeling, and I get that, but clearly there's a lot more going on than my hard exterior would suggest. If one witnesses me in the midst of a break down, I will reassure them that I'm okay. Which truthfully is accurate, most of the time. I'm okay, but whatever situation I'm currently dealing with has become too much for me to contain and so some has to spill out to relive the pressure. If saying I'm okay isn't the truth at the moment, I know that it will be true at some point in the future, to which I usually say, I will be okay. These days, I'm mostly okay, with periods of sadness interwoven through out the day. Usually when I'm doing tasks that don't take all of my attention, like driving. I know what you're thinking, Driving should take all my focus, but it doesn't. I drive the same route twice a day, and it's become routine. I listen to the radio while driving and sometimes the song lyrics get to me, or a random thought will sneak up on me. Whatever it is, my daily drives have become emotionally difficult.
  I love that everyone wants to be supportive of our families during this awful time, but for me, when you ask how I am, it just brings up the fact that we are trying to find our new normal in the wake of a tragic event. I will tell you I'm okay and that we are making it through the best that we can. Which is true, but honestly I just don't want to have to answer the question. Maybe you are worried that no one has shown enough concern for our current situation, that we are left feeling unloved and unsupported, that we might be feeling alone in a time of need,  but I assure you that that is not the case. The outpouring of condolences we have received from everyone in our lives has been amazing, there were so many people who showed up at the memorial to show their support of us and share in the remembrance of her life. However, at some point we all need to do the work of letting go. I have enough daily reminders of the loss already. Know that my emotions are close to the surface and I'm still struggling to keep them all in. I understand that you want to be helpful, and I promise that I will ask for help if I need it, even though asking for help isn't really what I do best. I know that I have wonderful friends and family who are always willing to lend a hand even when my greatest problem is that I need to escape my kids for a few hours. I hope that all of you know that I'm always there for you too, even if I don't say it all the time. I figure you don't need the constant reminder of your own sorrows and shortcomings to know that I've always got your back, no matter the situation.
  Now, back to the title. A few years back the boy contracted some sort of stomach virus. He had been vomiting pretty frequently for a few hours and while still over the toilet from latest episode, he looked at us and weakly announced, "I'm ready to be done now." I remember thinking that wouldn't life be wonderful if we could just say we were done and be done. Move on to the next thing, in the hopes that it will be more pleasant than our current situation. On the off chance that it might actually work this time, I'm ready to be done now.

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